Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
