I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
