the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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