i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Come back. Shots need mouths.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
