He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
