you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
