One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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