My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
