I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize