he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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