even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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