I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It's official drugs can't kill me
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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