so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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