I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
