I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
