Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
