did you get engaged???
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
