Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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