I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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