The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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