1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
