My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
