Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
