I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
