The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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