My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
