A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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