You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
