apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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