dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
