i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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