i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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