Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
