the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
