oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
