Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
