I looked at my own cervix.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
