You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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