I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
