Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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