I wish I only lived at night.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
