I want to walk on stilts...naked
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
