I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
