all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
