Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
