I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
