Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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