he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
