The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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