i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The ass gains better be worth it
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