I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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