There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
