Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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