I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
