i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
