My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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